Bloblique Blategies

Do not, under any circumtances, feed our mildly dangerous columnist magic mushrooms. He can’t even take regular ones without getting off his nut. People, run for your lives, no one is safe…

There’s this bloke called Brian Eno. He’s famous for making music that sounds like a fridge with a sustain pedal. He’s a bit like Davros, but instead of trundling around in a mobility scooter converted from a swing bin he’s got Casio keyboards for feet.

Listen, I haven’t got time to explain who Brian Eno is, I’ve got beef stew and dumplings burning in the oven, and my neighbour’s having one of his loud séances. I’m stressed enough without you forgetting to Google things before reading this column. Do you want me to write you a glossary in my own tears? Is that what you want? Where were we?

So Brian Eno is this mad genius who looks like the Twitter egg and invented cards called ‘Oblique Strategies’. These cards were the original Facebook image memes, but in the 1970s before they had the internet or pictures. Imagine ‘Cards Against Humanity’, but with all the slapstick strangled out of them. ‘Oblique Strategies’ contain phrases like “do the same again, but dressed as Penfold from Danger Mouse” or “have you claimed PPI in the past three years”? They’re designed to make you think weird, like this column. Well, buffalo, I don’t mind telling you that I consider myself a pretty oblique person too.

See how I exchanged the word “reader” for “buffalo” in that last sentence? Case in point. Therefore, in an Electronic Sound exclusive, I am proud to announce the production of my own cards. They are called, um, ‘Bloblique Blategies’. Yeah, that’ll do. ‘Bloblique Blategies’ will make your mind do amazing tricks like a jellyfish on a jetski. Here is a list of “cards” you will get in the first release of these unique inspirational prompts. Card number one is a VD clinic loyalty card, unregistered, edged in ink from a leaking pen.

Card number two is a napkin with Harry Styles’s phone number on. Probably, I dunno, I wrote it myself. Card number three is a bit of grey fluff I kiss to bed every night because I have attachment issues. Card number seven is a Polaroid taken through my neighbour’s back window, I mean SERIOUSLY who has a drunken séance at seven in the morning?! Card number 19 is a 250-page poem written in yeast. Card number 73 is the feeling of chafing underwear amid a long hike.

Other “cards” include sewing patterns, a goldfish bowl and the ability to turn into coal. Buy ‘Bloblique Blategies’ now and receive the limited edition magnesium set that bursts into blinding white heat just five seconds after opening. Oh how you’ll laugh as everything you love burns down.

I’m not saying I’m better than Brian Eno, but I think my new product has legs. No seriously, cards 101 to 150 actually have legs. I smell your scepticism and indeed, other people have released unusual products and failed. Remember ‘Ant & Dec’s Better Sex Guide’? Exactly.

Rihanna’s celebrity doilies? Thought so. Apparently Boris Johnson’s yoga videos caused a 16 per cent increase in hernias in the Greater London area.

It’s not easy being a genius, just ask Brian Eno. You know. Brian Eno. Looks like he’s doing an impression of his own brain? No? Looks like an Easter Island doll? Oh never mind, I’ve not got time for this, I’ve got burnt dumplings to munch.

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