Smite the Keytar

Back once again with the ill behaviour, our loose cannon of a columnist will give today’s sermon…

In the beginning, God created the universe. On the first day, he separated light from the darkness, then he did some other stuff for a few days, trees and donkeys or whatever. The main thing is, on the sixth day God created the synthesiser. He looked upon the synthesiser and saw that it was good.

On the seventh day, God rested because creating all those knobs can give you really sore fingers. Then God beholdeth that the synthesiser was lonely so he removed a circuit board from the synthesiser to form the keytar. In His holy wisdom, the Good Lord looked upon the keytar and thought, ‘Oh heck, on second thoughts’ and God did smite the Keytar from the Earth because it encouraged double-denim and mullets.

Then God put the synthesiser into the Garden Of Eden for a bit, but the synthesiser did become rusty because God had also invented dew. So God wrote a synthesiser manual on stone tablets, which included the line ‘Do not leave outside’. And forsooth, he translated that instruction into 70-times-seven languages, but made sure the English version was buried on page 163 because the synthesiser was made in Japan.

Then God got bored so he did build a giant Ark. It measured a million cubits by a billion cubits because God had bought a faulty tape measure from B&Q. Upon that Ark, he placed electronic music legends, two by two: Daft Punk, Eurythmics, Chemical Brothers, Erasure, Orbital. “But there are more than two of us,” spake Kraftwerk, and God smited Kraftwerk, which in retrospect was not one of his best decisions.

God did a lot of smiting in the early days. He smote ‘The Final Countdown’ and Crazy Frog because they were not pleasing to his divine ears. He smote ‘God Is A DJ’ by Faithless because God didn’t even own vinyl. He tried to smite ‘Believe’ by Cher, but there was a weeping and gnashing of teeth in perfect E minor and the false idol of autotune did live in the hearts of sinners for evermore, and God thought, ‘Oh well, I do quite like that Drake single’.

Then there were lots of minor prophets with unpronounceable names as written in the religious scroll called ‘The Back Bit Of Electronic Sound’. Eventually, God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten daughter. Delia Derbyshire came down from the angels and she did popularise electronic music by putting it on the telly. Kraftwerk looked upon Delia’s Holy Radiophonic Workshop and said, ‘At least we write proper songs’ and Delia said, ‘Ha, you got smited, lol’.

God looked upon the argument and he saw that it was bad. But it was too late. They had already written “fake news” on each other’s YouTube accounts. There arose a great and righteous fury between tribes of electronic music, especially in comments sections.

“Blessed are the peacemakers”, tweeted God, but his tweet was as insignificant as a grain of sand. So God beheld the synthesiser and put it into a cupboard, behind the ironing board. “I’ll come back to it someday,” spake God as he downloaded GarageBand onto his iPad.

And the seasons did come and go, and the dust did gather, and the synthesiser became beyond repair. This is the word of the Lord. Amen.

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