Bandus Campos

Fat Roland turns his sights on The Buttonistas of the DJ premier league, where the machines do the work instead of, er, Bavarian folk music

The intro goes here, it runs over three lines and should gently undermine the confidence of our columnist… what? We’ve not written an intro? gah

Just a usual day at the office. our columnist has one of his school days flashbacks, and we’re on the phone to the lawyers… again

Our resident columnist Fat Roland remembers the time he met one of the guys from Orbital, his all-time favourite band. Except he doesn't actually remember it because his brain was full of drugs, absinthe and, er, farm animals

Our esteemed columnist eats too much cheese before bed (again) and lucky for us he writes down all his dreams. This is the only one we can print without having him arrested…

A waste of space? Sure, but our errant columnist came in pretty handy when we wanted someone to look after the office hamster while we were on our holidays…