Ask An Imaginary Rabbit

Living the dream, that’s our Fats. He woke up from one the other night where he had a some great ideas about how to land a Number One the easy way. Just like THE KLF. Sort of. Desperation or blind faith, you choose

Illustration: STEVE APPLETON

When pop pranksters The KLF wrote their treatise for topping the charts called ‘The Manual’, they admitted their advice would be obsolete within 12 months. That 12 months ended more than 25 years ago, and since then no one has had the faintest idea how to have a hit single. Until now. Here are my tips on how to have a Number One the easy way.

BE A MILLIONAIRE

While knocking about on your private yacht, it’s easy to concoct a smash hit. Get your butlers to buy the following things (this won’t be a problem because your credit card is made of diamonds and unicorn eyelashes). Buy a record label. Buy a production team. Buy someone already successful like New Order or Jive Bunny. Get them to change their name to your name. Hey presto, you’re now famous as well as rich.

OWN A TIME MACHINE

Step into your time machine. Bash some buttons until the numbers on the screen look like a year. Travel back to just before David Bowie got famous. Copy everything he does. You will have to undergo radical surgery and paint some zigzags on your face. On the plus side, you get to meet Bing Crosby. On the down side, Fat Roland will always hold you responsible for Vanilla Ice.

ASK AN IMAGINARY RABBIT

Find a magic bunny. You may need to burrow underground for this. When you find a magic bunny, ask the magic bunny for a Number One single. You will instantly have a Number One single. As we all know, magic bunnies are allowed to grant one amazing wish before they explode in a splatter of fur and entrails, so remember to take a sou’wester and goggles.

USE THE POWER OF YOUR MIND

Bitterly regret not joining the choir when you were young. Rue getting expelled because of that fist fight with Darren at the school’s band competition. Sit alone in your attic having arguments on forums about which “Orb” is better: The Orb, Orbital, William Orbit or Roy Orbison. Dream about what success would feel like if you weren’t, y’know, you.

Maybe that last option is how to have a Number One the easiest way. The best success is in your imagination. It costs nothing and it never goes out of date. The hit sound of regret; the dazzling lights of disappointment. Congratulations. In daydream land, you’re Number One with a bullet.

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