Cloudbuster!

He turns up each month waving paper with words on insisting he’s a columnist. We think he might be lost.

Our potentially award-winning columnist is not easily impressed. He is, in fact, easily unimpressed. Ask him about DJs these days. Go on, ask him and see what happens. And yes, that is prune juice on his cardigan

Turns out our resident columnist also enjoys throwing shapes on the dancefloor. You should see him do the fandango. Very, very frightening

Do not, under any circumtances, feed our mildly dangerous columnist magic mushrooms. He can’t even take regular ones without getting off his nut. People, run for your lives, no one is safe…

We’re a little bit worried about Fat Roland, our resident columnist. This month, despite promising he wouldn’t keep taking the tablets, he’s talking about his BRIAN ENO HOT PANTS again